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Directed by Kevin Smith. Screenplay by Kevin Smith. Starring Jeremy London, Jason Lee, Shannon Doherty, Claire Forlani, Jason Mewes, Kevin Smith, Renee Humphrey, Ben Affleck, Michael Rooker, Joey Lauren Adams, Stan Lee.
94 minutes.
Half a tab of acid in the can each, me and the boys decided to take in Mallrats, seeing as how it was the new movie from the dude who made Clerks. So we headed off to the Rialto to check it out at a midnight showing.
Now, in case you're unfamiliar with the joys of LSD, there's a little side affect called the hysterics, where you fall into uncontrollable laughter. And Mallrats is a very funny movie, despite what a bunch of dumb-fuck critics have said.
Hence, it wasn't long before the three of us were totally deranged with painful laughter. The bit that really got us was Jay & Silent Bob with the Easter Bunny. We literally couldn't sop laughing for the next five minutes. The rest of the audience started laughing at US, which just made us laugh even harder.
By the time I walked out, my abs were rock-solid and I'd lost 75% of my body fat from laughing. Well, not quite, but my sides were pretty damn sore.
When Mallrats came out on video, I rented it to see if it was just the acid. I smoked a little weed, naturally, but not a lot. Sure enough, it was still freaking hilarious.
The plot, such as it is: T.S. (Jeremy London) has been dumped by Brandi (Claire Forlani); Brodie (Jason Lee) has been dumped by Rene (Shannon Doherty). In an attempt to win them back, they both go and hang out at the mall. (?!?) Complications arise: evil security guards, asshole dads, butt-fucking Ben Afflecks, gratuitous titty shots, tv game shows, skinny & fatty stoners, Magic Eye thingys, Easter Bunnies, Jedi mind tricks, Stan Lee... all kinds of shit.
Skateboarding star Jason Lee is fuckin' hilarious as Brodie. Have you ever noticed that Shannon Doherty's eyes aren't quite on the same level? Once you see it, you can never not see it, but I reckon it makes her even sexier. Claire Forlani is even sexier than Shannon; man, what a hottie. (Shannon, Claire, if you're reading this: I can give all your other movies equally good reviews if you're nice enough to me. Yes, even Blindfold and Meet Joe Black.)
Mallrats rules. It's not my favourite Kevin Smith movie; that would be Chasing Amy, which you won't see reviewed here 'cause it's not really a drug movie. But it is the funniest. Man is it funny. Tee hee.
If you haven't seen Mallrats, check it out. Smoke some weed first; no need to waste a tab on the sucker like I did. Settle back, scratch yer balls, or whatever it is you scratch if you don't have balls... your boyfriend's balls, maybe? And check out the funniest movie to ever feature Shannon Doherty fucking in a lift.
I give it ten out of ten. Can't think of a funnier movie.
© 2002 Joey Narcotic.